Verry Very Important...

um um um... WELL! well, well indeed.... that’s a deep subject. yes. deep as a well, and dark as a dungeon... or is that a mine? well, i’m not sure. mine? or yours? if yours, then it’s your well, come... you're welcome. thank you! well come back. or, is it a mine? or a miner? Or, A Minor, my favorite key? like a key under the well come mat... or matter, for that matter??? which brings us back to the matters at hand: matter, anti matter, and aunt matter. WHO’S ON FIRST????

At any rate, I’m in a bit of a dither, as you might notice. yes. whirling like a dithering dervish, as it were, in a whirl. wind. or in a swirl of whirling protons in a Large Hadron Collider, as it were. yes. and that is what’s on my mind, now. the Large Hadron Collider. very exciting times, we live in. now. so exciting, it makes my head spin. i love saying that: Large Hadron Collider.

by the way, it's the collider itself which is large, not the hadrons. hadrons are very very small. but that collider, that's one big donut.

so i’ve spent the past view days here in CERN, working with my colleagues on the startup of the Large Hadron Collider. really? welllll... sort of. yes. i will now explain...

[Eddie starts downloading images to illustrate various aspects of High Energy Particle Physics, and his triumphant research expedition at CERN...

unfortunately, at this moment he accidentally stumbles on Stwallskull’s Cartoon Crypt: Directory of Vintage Monkey Cartoons:

• Swing, Monkey, Swing (1937) (Columbia)


• El Mono Relojero aka The Clock-Making Monkey (1938) (Quirino Cristiani)


• Monkey Melodies (1930) (Disney)


• The Gorilla Mystery (1930) (Disney)


• Mickey’s Mechanical Man (1933) (Disney)


• The Pet Store (1933) (Disney)


• Monkeydoodle (1931) (Les Elton)


• An Elephant Never Forgets (1934) (Fleischer)


• Betty Boop with Henry, the World’s Funniest American (1935) (Fleischer)


• Bunny Mooning (1937) (Fleischer)


• My Friend the Monkey (1939) (Fleischer)


• The Peanut Vendor (1934) (Len Lye)


• Good Little Monkeys (1935) (MGM)


• Pipe Dreams (1938) (MGM)


• Art Gallery (1939) (MGM)


• The Monkey Fleet (1936) (Manzo Miyashita)


• The Monkey Sword Masamune (1930) (Yasuji Murata)


• Momotaro’s Sky Adventure (1931) (Yasuji Murata)


• Corporal Norakuro (1934) (Yasuji Murata)


• The Dinosaur and the Missing Link (Willis O’ Brien)


• Sankichi the Monkey in The Storm Troopers (1934) (Mitsuyo Seo)


• The Mascot (1933) (Ladislaw Starewicz)


• A Day at the Zoo (1939) (Warner Brothers)


• Baseball Group of Forest (1934) (Author unknown)


• Doctor of Forest and Brave Warrior of Sanitary Gown (Year and author unknown)

anyway, he’ll be back in a couple of days to complete his report. after he's done watching cartoons.]

Swing, Monkey, Swing 1937
by sirarnold

That's One Big Donut...

Well, ov course... I was there:


And it was quite an experience, let me tell you... later.

more later,
Mr. Eddie

See Monkey, Do Monkey...

i'm furiously curious abt a number of Important Thinks, and so I do not have much time to discuss about this little incident (including video).


I am of course concerned for the monkey, and I hope he is all right. that net idea was silly, and no self-respecting monkey would have been trapped in that manner... but, if he had accidentally gotten himself enmeshed, what would that mob have done to him? "oh, now we have caught this monkey! he is our captive, and we are victorious!! let us... umm... now lets... uh... lets go meddle in some other hapless animal's life now!!!!" mobs tend to grow their exclamation points like that, and i don't think it would have ended well. so i think he made the sensible choice, leaving when he did.

the media coverage is also a concern, however. the monkey is variously described a "rogue", "wild" and other such. i think these words are prejudicial. i myself would have preferred "noble", or "brave", or somethink along those lines. or perhaps they could have done some actual factchecking, and called him by his name? no. one headline went so far as to claim "Wild monkey causes chaos on Tokyo metro"... humpmph! it's the goddam media caused the chaos!! that monkey was probably just looking for a free wifi connection and a decent cup of coffee like everyone else. i hope he found it.

anyway. these are my concerns, my feelings on the matter. now, i must get back to my work.

more later
mr. eddie

Kind Thoughts for Dark Matter

Well, back to the matter at hand: dark matter. My investigations continue, and I follow the litterature closely. There have been some interesting developments, both in the litterature and in my own personal cogitations. I will tell you of them now.

First, and just as a reminder: we still don’t know what dark matter is made of. No we don’t. There is general agreement that it is created by annihilation, some something gets destroyed and from destruction come creation. Which is a hopeful thing, really. So we know it’s there, but we don’t know what it’s made of. Hmmf. It could be a mess o’ mesons, or a heap o’ Higg’s bosons. I don’t know, but neither does anyone else.

Secondly, we know it’s clumpy. That’s been widely reported. Here, and here, and here, and other places. You could look it up, or you could take my work for it. Yes, clumpy... which is perhaps surprising, considering it’s genesis in annihilation. You’d think, if something started off by getting all blowed up, it’d be all scattered hither and thither, and not clumped. But no. Conclusively: Clumped.

But, why is it clumpy? Huh? Well, there are several possible explainings possible. It could be that it is sticky. That’s a possibility, and if that’s the case, I think it would be because of how cold it is out there in space. Like how ice-cubes stick to your fingers, if you have fingers and they’re a little bit wet. I wouldn’t think it’s sticky like gluey, candycane sticky. No, more like don’t-lick-that-frozen-pole-you-silly-monkey sticky. So that’s one possible possibility.

Or, the dark matter could clump together because it’s magnetic. Or even gravitationic. Which seems possible, since we know there are phenomenons like that. And we’re talking about fundamentally basic particles here, and even tho nobody understands how magnetonic bodies actually grabbitate toward each other, nobody much doubts that they do. So maybe that’s what makes the dark matter clumpy.

Or maybe it got wrinkled in the dryer, and got static cling. That’s a minority theory that not many investigators consider.

But my problem with these theories is basic: if it were sticky or magnetic, all the dark matter would all stick together in one big clumpy clump. And it doesn’t: it forms clumps, but they aren’t evenly distributed. Yes. At first, I hypothesized strings. Like string theory, or cat-in-th-cradle. But the most recent news is, dark matter clumps in halos. At least that’s what this says: http://www.mpa-garching.mpg.de/HIGHLIGHT/2002/highlight0206_e.html, I think. Like angelic headwear, I guess. Yes. Halos. Not one big clump. SO.

So my theory? Glad you asked. I think the dark matter is lonely. So it reaches out to other dark matter for comfort in the cold dark space where it’s just been annihilated to, and clumps together like that baby monkey grabbing a terrycloth-and-chickenwire surrogate monkey-mom. But having been annihilated all thither and yonder to begin with, it's kind of hit-or-miss if it can find some fellow dark matter to latch on to. Hence, scattered clumps, and filigrees, and halos.

Some of my colleagues might say I’m monkeypomorphizing primordial subatomic particles, and that may be true. However, I prefer that to just shrugging my shoulders and writing it off as unknown. When someone comes up with a better theory, I’ll consider it, fairly and objectively. Until then, I hope that all that dark matter finds a friend.

more later
Mr. Eddy.

Monkies Got Tails

Well. Hmm de hmm hmm hmm. OK. Although I'm an astrophysicist by trade, I of course try to keep up with the latest developments in all areas of science. And so I have heard the news that news reports (here, and here, and here, and there) now report that a large population of western lowland gorillas has been "found" in the Congo. Yes, they’ve discovered apes in the Congo. Apes. In. The. Congo. Sort of like discovering coals in Newcastle, init? But anyway, it is now widely reported, and so I suppose it’s true. In the Con-go. That's where I’m from, by the way: ChiCongo. Yes indeed, I am. So of course I'm interested, and of course you want to hear my opinion. Allright. Very well.

Well, here it is: nobody discovered nothing! Those apes revealed themselves. They were there all the time, but chose not to be known by outsiders, happily doing gorilla things. And now they have chosen to be known. Of. Yes they did, and bloody foolish of them to do it, if you ask me (and you did ask, didn't you?).

Now there's gonna be all kinds of Natural Geojerks and Jane Goodygoodals and Diana Floozies descending on them, invading their privacy and taking poornographic pictures and counting their nosehairs... not to mention hunters, and anti-hunting activists, and tax collectors, and finally the Fuller Brush salesman with a special on Silverback Lice Combs. Free shipping or no, I think it's going to be a lot of Bother, and not worth it.

If those gorillas aren’t careful, someone will discover their radio telescopes, and then all heck will break loose. All heck. Hmmphg!

more later,
Mr. Eddie

PS: I’m canceling my subscription to Scientific American. “Where Have All the Monkeys Gone?”!?! I’ll tell you where they’ve gone: they’ve gone back to their tenured positions at major universities to teach primatologists basic primate classification! Gorillas are not monkeys, they are apes!!! dammit.

ME

Discovered by the media...

hmm hmm hmm...
how to spend my 15 minutes of fame?

more later
Mr. Eddie

Litterary Aillusions

hmmm... ahmhh... um.. hmm.

my recent flit flight fight into the world of the imaginary imagination has led me farther astray from my usual astral... uh... astraying. yes. i have brandished out from astrophysics into hitherto uncharted charts... specifically, to poetry. um. and in the course of that process i have done my research. yes. and the advice i got from the googlesphere and the wikimagi and the blogobloggers is: poetry is about self expression. expressing your self. ok.

and so i have written a poem, which i believe expresses and illuminates my most innermost being self. and this is the poem, which i will share with you (the poem, that is...). i believe it is quite successful, and so i probably shan't need to compose another. which is a relief, to me at least, and now i can get back to my celestial investigations. so anyway, here it is, my poem:

Kapok.

Kapok, kapok, kapok.

Kay-Pok. Kapok, kapok... kapok.


Kapok! Kapok kapok!! Ka-
pok? Kaaaaaayyyyy...
                             Pok!

Kapockapockapockapokpokpokpok. Kapok.

Kapok, capoc, kapok: kapok.

KAYpok! KaPOCK! KAPOK KAPOK KAPOK!!!

Kapok.
Kapok.
Kapok.

so there it is. i am. since it is an expression of my most inner self. there you are.

they say that if you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters and have them all type, they will eventually produce the sonnets of Shakespeare. the internet has not actually disproved them, but apparently it will take longer than we thought. but, i'm doing my part, eh?

more later,
Mr. Eddie

PS: also i should mention: i prefer blake to milton, and basho to pound, and shel silverstein to that damnd cat who wouldn't recognize a poem if it bit her on the pussywillow. just so you know. i've done my homework.
M.E.

Cogitation vs. Illumination

hmm hmmm hm… yes. Well I've been very very busy, yes I have. There is much work to do, and I am doing my part. No need to thank me, I am just one humble servant. uummm uhmmm.

First off I must tell you, I have become interested in constellations. Surprised? I admit, I am too. I had always thought about constellations as mere projections of the human imagination on the unimaginable cosmos, images imagined where no images are actually are. I mean, imaginary. Which sounds like mirage, I think. Anyway, they’re probably not really there...

Worse yet, I thought, was that they probably actually obscure the true nature of the universe, instead of illuminating it. That’s obscure, from L. obscurus "covered over, dark, obscure, indistinct," from ob "over" + -scurus "covered." Of course. Anyway, like take the crab nebulae, for example:


Anyone can see that it's not a crab. No pinchers, no shell, probably bigger than any crab I've ever met--like the one that damnd cat keeps bringing in here for latin lessons. But the point is, because people call it a crab nebulae they look at it and see a crab. Instead of a nebulae. Which is sad, really.

So anyway, I was thinking about this, and going over lists of constellations, and it's kind of interesting what you people imagine. First, there seems to be lots of birds, reptiles, fish. Also dogs, bears, a crab (what's with the crab thing?), a sheep, a goat, a fox, cats (1 lynx, 2 lions), a giraffe.... but... BUT-- NO MONKEYS!!! By now, I should not be surprised. You got a constellation of a freakin' Chemical Furnace, and a Poop Deck for crying out loud… but not one measly ape. Sorry to get worked up here, but Sheesh.

So after I calmed down, I decided: this is actually a great opportunity. The problem of the undiscovered primate constellation. Because obviously there has to be one, the Great Monkey in the Sky, it just hasn’t been discovered yet. Or hadn’t been discovered yet. But never fear, Eddie is here, and I have brought all of my resources to bear on the problem.

It turned out to be pretty easy. Thanks to the Sloan Digital Sky Survey (http://www.sdss.org/), with it's large image database and powerful ability to combine spectra from different sources, coupled with my shrewd intuition, I quickly found it. Here ya go:



Simia Major. I won't insult your intelligence by connecting the dots for you. Just use your imaginationing. Just glad to do my small part, to help.

more later,
Mr. Eddie

sensitive

umhmm.. hmm... yes i am sensitive. on the one hand, this aids in my research. yes. i think the lines between art and science are not so precisely drawn. um. and so while we often talk about the sensitive artist, i think also about the sensitive scientist. einstein was sensitive, and that guy in Omaha who can sense geomagnetic disturbances with his hands...

and i am sensitive, too. it is a blessing, and yet it has it's drawbacks. i get insights, but i also get hurt sometimes too. like when i got this handwritten note in my fortune cookie:


at first i was frightened. then i was sad. who is this ren person, and why is he so upset? and is he upset with me, or some other monkey? am i in danger? is he on some kind of crusade to terrorize monkeys by poisoning the fortune-cookie pool with hate mail? so i tried to find out. perhaps it is this person:

but why would he say this? we have so much in common. i would like to have a cup of coffee with him, discuss plasma physics, and find out what is troubling him. i would also help him spell particle.

i try to be friendly and helpful. but sometimes this is not enough. perhaps he is another sensitive scientist, and (like me) his genius is not recognized. i will recognize his genius, perhaps that will help.

please be kind to all beings. there is room in the world of science for kindness.

more later,
eddie

End of da woild

umm... hmmm..

i'm very very concerned, about sunspot production.

"The sun has been laying low for the past couple of years, producing no sunspots..."

yes that's what they said, NO SUNSPOTS! none. zero. zip.

but that's not all... it's not just a lack of sunspot production, like a baseball player going thru a slump, or a banana tree in the offseason... no... it's worse than that. It's the sun is DEAD.

"It continues to be dead," said Saku Tsuneta with the National Astronomical Observatory of Japan, program manager for the Hinode solar mission. "That's a small concern, a very small concern."

I don't know why that's a small concern. I disagree with that. I think it's a big concern. Dead sun. Big big big. At least I'm concerned, you betcha.

The last cycle reached its peak in 2001 and is believed to be just ending now, Longcope said. The next cycle is just beginning and is expected to reach its peak sometime around 2012. Today's sun, however, is as inactive as it was two years ago, and scientists aren't sure why.

"It's a dead face," Tsuneta said of the sun's appearance.

Dead Face. Yup, that's what he said, and I can confirm this. I've been doing detail observations using my pinhole projector (don't EVER stare directly into the sun, kids, or your tail will fall off), every afternoon. Jack comes in and helps me with the setup, it's very elaborate. And we observe and observe, and I'm here to tell you: No spots. Spotless. Also, no stripes. And, no checkerboards. Nope. Nuttin. I have corroborated my esteemed colleague's findings, and will be publishing my results soon. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a dodo. Dead as a Monty Python stuffed parrot. My theory: the only reason it's still up in the sky is 'cause it's nailed to its perch.

And if you think it's easy to nail a star to a freshwater fish, you're crazy.

fretfully,
Mr. Eddie.

damn their eyes

hmmm hum... so now i am so sad.

umhmmm... so i went to the anagram server and tried my name. i thought it might be nice, or funny, or revelatory, you know? Like "Astronomers" = "No more stars"... or "A telescope" = "To see place"...

and, and... the very first anagram was "a misdirected Sophistry"!?!

which is a big word. so i looked up Sophistry and it said "sophistry n : a deliberately invalid argument displaying ingenuity in reasoning in the hope of deceiving someone".

alas. ANOTHER CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME!!! but i will not break! no. i will just, uh... not go back to the anagram server, that's for sure.

more later
dejected eddie

I'll tell you where to find a Black Hole...

humm... hmm

Locating black holes in distant galaxies... who cares! I could do that with my tail tied behind my back! Anyone could take an out-of-focus picture of bloodcells, draw some blue circles on it, and call it a... a... Locating Black Holes in Distant Galaxies.

I want to find black holes located in OUR galaxy... in OUR Solar System... in OUR OWN BACK YARD!!! Those are the ones that are gonna suck in all the visible light i was planning on using to gaze at... at... at things i was gonna gaze at. THOSE are the ones that are gonna drag you and me and that damned cat into the terrible singular abyss leaving nothing but a gamma ray squib. And... and... if they'd just let me have a crack at that Spittle Space Telescope gizmo, or whatever it's called, I COULD DO IT!!!

OOh, woe is us. Species-ist discrimination against simians again. And who suffers? We all do... you will, especially when some surprise black hole pops up in your closet and sucks your favorite accordion down its 4-dimensional gullet, never to wheeze again...

more later,
mr. eddie

On the internet, nobody knows you're a monkey

Hmm, humm... first the dark matter thing, now the landing on Mars. Is there a connection? If so, I WILL FIND IT!

Perhaps the missing dark matter is actually in the form of frozen ice slushies flowing through the canals on Mars! AND, if it is cherry slushies, that would account for the color.

But wait, what about STRING THEORY?!? Could the dark slushie matter form strings? More to find out... must get back to my telescope.

more later.
mr eddie